Rules one and two seem to contradict. I’d like a bit more of an explanation on rule 5, just another line.

I’d suggest changing thier greatness, to her greatness.

Great beginning, though, I think it compels the reader to keep reading.

As your story continues, and the girlfriend comes running up, I liked your use of alliteration,”A brunette ball of energy bounds my way….” But, as the MC is looking at her glossy lips, would he really be thinking of that specific of a color–coral? From being around the men in my life, none of them would know that color; they’d just say pink or orange, if they even noticed at all. However, I could be way off base with your character’s personality traits and he may understand the difference.

Like I said before, well done! You have a unique voice and you began your story in an interesting way! Good luck!

Perhaps if the clues in the list were less direct and more enigmatic, then the reader would be more challenged to seek out what really is going on? Then, any surprises later on will be more magnified? It all depends on how much the author wants to tease things out for awhile or feels the need to get to a certain plot point earlier on.

Then, there is the question of if a Red Herring is being introduced — by the character or the author? What if the first “deep secret” isn’t the deepest secret after all? Angst over the “social-sexual politics” of his group may be a smoke screen? What if an even more shocking thing than “who is dating who” is the real puzzle?

Enough on speculation. Back to what seems to be presented so far:

In any social circle, there are the group “social-sexual politics” and other dynamics that the main character may be trying to “manage.” Is the main character is trying to manage some aspect of how people percieve (and thus treat) him here. Is he afraid more of losing control of:
- Others?
- Himself?
- Both at the same time?

It seems he has the “jitters” over something important, because it could cause a social upset of some kind soon. There is the impression he has been hurt in the past? Has he also hurt others? He seems to want to avoid a new “upset,” yet he already is being tested in the (school or town) “green.” If he wants to avoid exposure, being out in the open so much seems to be a dubious choice. Is this character an unmoored ship with no control of his destiny? Or, is he a calculating type and is many steps ahead of the others?

My gut feeling is that merely being a hapless victim of the vicissitudes of life is not what is interesting in a story. Seeing a person stretched beyond being “just a survivor” is what can bring a new insight into the human experience.

I’m rooting for the character to be “more than the usual YA character” in some way. It’s up to the author to give the reader something fresh which might:
- Rise above any stock reactions to “social-sexual politics.”
- Make them proud of how the character grew.
- Takes everyone’s breath away when they see his unanticipated sacrifice.

In other words, the story goes beyond just getting to find one’s soul mate for the time being. In the lives of young people, friendships come and go. However the strengthening of the person’s character is something that will stick with them for a lifetime.